It Hurts and Not Just the Surgery

One of the reasons I started this blog is that I felt so much pressure trying to stay afloat financially and wasn't comfortable talking about the problem with the people close to me. It sucks having to ask my parents for money. It sucks being the girl who can't go out for dinner and drinks all the time. What sucks even more is knowing that people think ill of me for not having a lot of money. Like I've made bad choices in my life and career.

Example: I bounced two rent checks in a row to my landlord. Super annoying and embarrassing but he was paid back several days later each time (with added late fees). I apologized profusely and made an excuse that I was looking for another job. At the time we were supposed to meet for me to sign new lease but he never called to set up a time when the rent was still outstanding. Today he called me and ask me how the job hunt was going and I told him I was still looking. He said he would love for me to stay in the apartment but to let him know if it wasn't going to work out financially.

It was embarrassing. I hate talking about my financial problems for this very reason. I feel like people don't trust or respect me. I mean, I know he has to look out for himself and if I'm going to break the lease in a few months because I can't pay the rent, he should think about getting a better tenant but I've been paying him his rent for four years so you think I would have some clout by now. I feel bad about the bounced checks but I made good on the payments and the late fees so my finances aren't really his business. Neither is my career.

I am motivated to find a better job and make more money but it sucks hearing from everyone how imperative it is for me to do it (my family, my Boyfriend, and now my landlord?). I've applied to SO many jobs in the past month it is ridiculous. I hope something comes up soon but I'm doing everything I can.

I know that renting is the best thing for me right now but it's annoying having someone else watching over you poised to judge you based on your finances.

I know a rule of thumb is to not spend more than half of your income on living expenses and my rent is less than a third of my takehome pay. I just need to make sure I allocate the rest in a more responsible fashion. I'm trying....